Fighting the current of life.
The dreaded “about me” page … oh, the weeping and gnashing of teeth, but here goes:
I’ve had both bipolar and depression since about age 10 or 11. I was diagnosed with depression at age 34, and bipolar at 36. I don’t want to define myself by my mental health disorders, but the fact is my entire life has been colored by the stain of my illness. From failures to bad decisions to pessimism and self-doubt; hurting myself and people I’ve loved, and avoiding everyone else in fear and shame; or continuing to mourn for the growing number of losses: people, opportunity, happiness, freedom, hopes and dreams … these things are woven through the fabric of my life.
I was both the target of and witness to significant verbal and emotional abuse during childhood. I think I’ve dealt with that as best I can by this time, but the after-effects have remained. The primary remnants of this time are a nearly-complete loss of confidence and self-esteem, with an unending internal monologue of guilt and shame; and an inability to understand or deal with people and their emotions. I struggle every day with personal interaction and relationships, including with my family, and I would love nothing more than to run away and avoid everyone … including my family.
The depression started the damage, but the bipolar ensured that I would never be whole. There was a time when I thought I would escape the past and be able to have a normal life. When the bipolar got worse over time, I finally accepted that I was in a lifelong struggle to balance my internal demons with the needs of caring for myself and my family. When I am feeling okay, I can fight that battle to a draw. When I am in my depressive spirals, I doubt whether life is worth the effort.
I have so much hate and anger and self-loathing inside, but I also have humor and creativity. I have been mean, petty, unfair, cruel, indifferent, cold, and dishonest, but I have also been caring and loving. I have wanted to die, and have felt fortunate to be alive. Up and down, high and low, black and white, love and hate, life and death. I just wish I could stay in between the extremes.
Having said all that, there is so much more to me than what I’ve written here or in the blog posts. I’ll save those things for another page.
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all i want to say right now is someday i hope you can find a place insid yourself which is safe and where you can love yourself. it ain’t easy cause i’ve tried. and i work on it everyday. i say wtf.