Another lost day. Nicole missed school again today due to depression. She also missed Thursday and Friday last week because of stomach flu, and that makes three in a row. I don’t know if the school will insist on a doctor’s note, but we don’t have one.
As usual, it seems like my fault for saying something that set her off into a bad mood. Last night I was trying to get her to shower and clean her room a little. I get irritated and raised my voice and said some things that I felt needed to be said … but in her fragile emotional state, those things caused her to start crying and feel sad for herself. The conversation went from “clean your room and shower” to “I still like parts of me” to “I don’t like myself” faster than I could stop it. When she gets on a roll it is difficult to stop her, and by this time the verbal train fell off the track. I should have known today would be a problem.
While we were on the subject, she took the time to analyze me a little and tell me some problems I have:
— She says I need to look more at the parts of me that are good, and less at the parts I don’t like. I didn’t tell her that she is right, and there is very little about me that I like, and if I do I don’t get any happiness from it because of the demands of life and my non-existent sense of self-worth. I’m fundamentally different from her and most everyone else. I don’t like myself. No matter how many positive things I find, there are so many more negatives.
— She says I’m on her back too much and I don’t give her opportunity to make bad decisions, and that she can’t learn how to manage time or workload. I told her that she has made plenty of bad decisions already, and how many more should I let her make before she flunks out of school? I didn’t say that her bad decisions will cost her (and me) more money as time goes on.
— She says I am too hard on her for her problems because I am comparing my childhood to hers, and that just because mine wasn’t happy doesn’t mean I have the right to make hers bad. I didn’t tell her that she had no idea how bad she would feel if she grew up in my shoes. Then again, maybe she is right.
Turning back to herself, she first said she likes the person she is, and she sees the good parts about herself, despite having some parts she doesn’t like. Then this morning, after she had time to ruminate on it all night, she says she doesn’t like who she is.
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do for her to help her get out of this. I called her doctor twice, but have not heard back from her today. I guess I’ll try again tomorrow. In the meantime, I hope she goes to school tomorrow. I also hope she passes her classes, but I’m starting to doubt that will happen.
In the meantime, trying to deal with this makes me feel like crap. Plus I have to go to work to pay for the health care that Nicole will need forever, so I feel lovely today. I know it’s not her fault, but I wish she could try a little harder. Maybe that’s cold-hearted of me. Maybe she is trying, and it is just too much. I never can tell.