I’m headed downhill again, for several reasons. The trees, the man-child, the lack of intimacy, the hating of the job, the hating of the new bed, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the recent bad luck, the girl, the bleeding of money, the house, the new cat, the van, the unfulfilled desire to run away … always that desire.
The realization that I don’t like my job has hit me pretty hard this week. The work is challenging, high-level engineering that I am capable of doing. I just hate it. Maybe it is the depression talking, but I no longer have any interest in doing my job.
I have a history of not staying in a job for very long
, and at 4 and 1/2 years I have been in this role longer than any other since graduating college. The restless part is telling me I need to do something else, that I will feel better with something new and interesting.
I would be crazy to leave my current job.
It is a stable job, nearly immune to the whims of the economy. The pay and the benefits are far above what I could earn in the consulting world, since I do not have a PE license. The financial cost of changing jobs would be significant, and Mrs. Fish would freak out. Just when we are paying off all our debts from the meltdown 6 years ago, and paying for Nicole to try going to college, finding a lower paying job would be stupid.
But I hate what I’m doing. I don’t like going to work. I get no satisfaction at all from being there. I dread seeing my manager walk toward me. I fear talking on the phone and asking for things and leaving voice mail messages. Despite being asked to work overtime, I refuse because I can’t stand the thought of being there a minute longer than necessary.
Then I get home, and I realize I don’t really want to be here either. I look up at airplanes and wish I was going somewhere. I think about comfy hotel beds and exploring new places. I feel so out of place here.
[ whine whine whine, complain complain … I hear you all saying “quit your bitching, you have it pretty goddamn easy” … and you are right, so I’ll shut up now. ]