up, down, sideways

I have been in the midst of a hypomanic spell, but I think it has ended. It was actually more of a mixed mood, because while I was exhibiting my typical signs of hypomania, I was depressed as well. During these times I have especially jumbled and chaotic thinking (more than normal), decreased ability to concentrate, feelings of work-related stress, increased nervousness and anxiety, restlessness, irritability, higher blood pressure, decreased sleep when I need more sleep, and increased appetite. I also increase the rate at which I pick at my fingers, leaving them raw and bloody sometimes (which warrants a separate post someday). At the same time I have very depressive thoughts which take the form of catastrophizing, lack of self-esteem, pessimism, and obsessive thinking. 

Ironically, I produce some of my best poetry during these times when my creative energy is high but my thoughts are especially dark. I wrote something the other day which is honestly too dark to share right now, but it sits on my computer as a reminder of my thought process at the time.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist during the middle of this phase, and it was very stressful for me. First he took my blood pressure, and it was 162 over 105, which is not good; I take medicine to control my BP, and usually it is much lower. I told him I wasn’t surprised; I tried to explain what was going on, and tried to discuss ADD symptoms (another future post), but I wasn’t expressing myself very clearly. In addition he had three med students in the room (all females), and it was a little distracting with them listening. Then there was a banging on the roof, which kept taking my attention away from the moment. He worked with me though, made an adjustment to my medication, and I felt better as I left. 

However … I wondered if the P-doc and the students talked about my case, and it bothers me not knowing, but obviously I’m making too big a deal out of it if it is still on my mind. I overanalyze and obsess over every social situation, because I feel like I fuck up most of my interactions with people. I feel like I said the wrong thing, or I was misunderstood, or that they are judging me afterward (the worst). I always wish I could think about it, then go back to the situation and fix whatever I did poorly the first time (as if that would work).

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