instability

I’m used to my brain throwing curveballs now and then, but since the most recent manic episode something seems to have permanently changed for the worse. I’ve lost whatever stability I had in the previous year, and it has been replaced by rapidly changing highs and lows.

Since quitting the Latuda, I have had significant OCD and anxiety problems (see this previous post). I started taking Klonopin a week ago, just a small dosage, and I don’t think it has helped very much. Most days I have been edgy and frazzled, like I am just barely in control of things.

I have slept okay some nights, then not so much on other nights. There have been a couple of days where I was so tired I was falling asleep at my desk (one benefit of working from home). I had to nap during my lunchtime to feel better. Then I wasn’t tired at bedtime, and I had to self-medicate with a little whiskey to fall asleep.

On two days this past week I have been so wound up at the end of the day that I have to get out of the house. I ended up driving about 2+ hours both times. Friday night I just had to get on the freeway and go fast; yesterday I wandered aimlessly through Amish country before finding a freeway and coming home.

Another thing wrong with my brain is my reaction to caffeine. Apparently I can only drink decaf coffee, because when I have regular coffee the tics and shakes increase within an hour. Soda seems to have a lesser effect, but I still feel it. It fucking sucks because I love coffee, and decaf usually tastes bad.

I’m glad I am dealing with this now and not at an office full of people (another benefit of working from home). I don’t have to hide my daily roller-coaster from everyone and pretend to be “fine”, whatever the fuck that is. My wife knows I am abby-normal right now, and she’s concerned, but is mostly just trying to stay out of my way. I have been telling her I’m not in any danger, which is true.

I don’t want to admit it, but maybe I should go back to the meds I was taking six months ago and see what happens. I was stable, I was sleeping, and I felt like I was mostly in control. However, I was depressed most of the time, so that wasn’t good. Now, I’m just feeling exhausted and hyperactive at the same time.

Sorry if this is rambling; I’m just spewing this out and not editing at all. Just like my thoughts right now. It’s bedtime, so I’ll see if I can get some sleep. Bye for now.

2 thoughts on “instability

  1. Meghan February 24, 2021 / 9:04 pm

    I’ve been there. I’d love to say that it’ll get better soon, but in all reality it might take a bit of time, a few med changes, and a lot of perseverance. I wish you the best. Stay the course and keep on keeping on. Sometimes that’s all that you can do.

  2. annelynn February 25, 2021 / 1:20 am

    I’m sorry. Hugs to you. Much love.

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