midnight malcontent

I’m tired of being a disappointment to everyone. People would be better off if they had never met me.

I’m tired of having a mediocre existence, always accepting my fate and going through life wishing I had made different choices.

I’m tired of worrying about things I can’t control, and being too inept to do something about the things I can control.

I’m tired of being anxious and paranoid all the time. I don’t want to be in a cage, on display to be an object of ridicule or disgust.

I’m tired of working to make profits for other people who don’t understand me and don’t care about what I am struggling with.

I’m tired of feeling impotent, physically and mentally, unable to reach whatever meaningless goals I might have had.

I’m tired of having other people rely on me for anything, forcing me to take care of their needs and ignore my own.

I’m tired of being trapped in a life I don’t want to live, and having to search for reasons to stay alive while constantly undermining my health.

I’m just tired.

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Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, not today at least. Maybe some other day when I grow a pair.

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8 thoughts on “midnight malcontent

  1. anne

    I am very, very tired too, for myriad reasons. I don’t want you leaving! I have experienced that, and it is devastating to those left behind. We can do this!

  2. …where is this coming from? Just remember, you have a disease that makes you feel anxious and paranoid, You can beat the disease, you know his because you’ve done it before.

  3. I feel this. I know it’s very hard to hear, but these moments you’re in are fleeting.. you won’t feel like this forever. But I’m sorry you’re in that space. Life is shitty sometimes. ✨

    1. Thanks. You’re right, I don’t feel this way all the time, but even fleeting moments get repeated over a lifetime. This train of thought erodes my soul, sometimes slowly and sometimes more quickly.

      1. I get where you’re coming from. I feel that way often too. And you’re right, it feels like it compounds over time and creates holes.. I’m sorry.

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