Impostor. Pretender. Phony. Fraud.
Everywhere I go, I feel disingenuous. I’m always pretending, whether I am at work, or with friends, or even in the mental health community. I’m good at faking wellness; I work hard to seem normal enough on the outside while I am struggling on the inside. However I always feel dishonest wherever I find myself.
I hide my mental illness from my employer, even though by law they are not supposed to discriminate based on health conditions. But because they have designated my job a “safety sensitive” position, I have to be “fit for duty” when working. If I told my employer, would they be afraid I could suddenly snap? Would I be forced off work until I could demonstrate I had recovered (as if that is even possible)?
I don’t tell my coworkers or my few friends about my mental health, and I dissemble when the subject comes up in conversation. Would they not believe me because I act “normal”, or would they overreact because they wonder if I could “go nuts” on any given day? Would people suddenly avoid me for fear of being associated with the crazy dude, or would they tell my employer that I was hiding the truth? I’m not willing to take the risk.
I avoid settings like group therapy meetings, forums, and online communities because I don’t want to face reverse stigma. Would people who are truly struggling not accept me because I don’t seem to be as ill as they are? Would people judge me for being “high functioning” and feel like I was just looking for attention? Even in the hospital mental health ward, someone told me I seemed the most normal out of everyone, and that bothered me.
In the past I have wondered if my psychiatrist takes me less seriously because I’m not as sick as his other patients. I think that was the case several years ago with Dr. PrescriptionPad and his 7-minute appointments. [Fortunately, I think my current doctor does take me seriously and seems to listen to me when I describe how I am feeling.]
I guess this is why all my mental health issues come out in my blog, because I have an outlet where people can come or go, read or not, and I never hear about it if they think I’m only doing it for attention. I can be honest here, even though I am doing so under a fake name in the hope no one in real life ever finds me (which is a story for another day).
Note: here’s a post by Meghan which discusses similar feelings.
Swimming Upstream 
You don’t have to worry about me judging or being worried about you “snapping.” I have longevity and context with regard to how you exist in the world, and you know that I struggle too. I’m not saying I know it all – there is no way to know everything about anyone – but I am comfortable with you, and I am comfortable being myself with you (on the whole!). Anyway, I hope your day is decent.
Thank you … you’re one of the very few people I can be honest with.
I mask constantly too. From afar, I look like I may have my shit together, but it’s far from that, and to quote Clueless, “She’s a full-on Monet. […] It’s like a painting, see. From far away it’s okay, but up close it’s a big ol’ mess.”
It’s easier that way most of the time, to not let people know. Then you don’t have to let anyone in. I lived like that for many many years until I couldn’t anymore. It’s intense, to let people in.. but it is usually worth it. Especially with friends. It’s lonely out here.
It is lonely sometimes, but for me the emotional cost of letting people in is very high.