I’m not doing well right now. Maybe it’s a letdown after my short vacation. It might be my medication. Possibly it’s because I hate myself. Or all three, I’m not sure.
I am trying another med for ADHD. The immediate release tablets seemed to be working well, but were short-acting. My p-doc switched me to the extended release tablets, and I’ve been taking them since Sunday, but it doesn’t feel like they’re working the same. It’s like before, when I had no concentration, hours of brain fog, fidgeting constantly, and emotionally questionable. I think I need to go back to the quick release tablets, but I will talk to the doc before I switch back.
The return of ADHD symptoms coincides with my return from vacation. I had a few hectic days visiting friends and family and lots of driving, arriving home Sunday around 5. Work the next day was difficult, but I thought it would be a one-day problem. It hasn’t improved though, and I have felt increasingly worse each day.
I get extremely frustrated when I can’t get my work done, and it feels like my personal time is similarly affected. I have so many things to do, and I just sit and think about it rather than doing something productive. So many excuses and time-wasters which keep me from accomplishing anything. I truly hate that about myself.
And now that I feel terrible about things and I’m down emotionally, I have to pretend I would be able to do a new job. Yes, I have a fucking interview for a new position with the same company. What the fuck was I thinking? It was a last-second decision to apply, and now I regret it, but I feel obligated to do the interview anyway because I asked the hiring manager about it yesterday. I can do the job, and I’m qualified, but I have zero confidence in myself at the moment. It’s hard to promote your best qualities when you don’t believe a word of it, but I’ll just bluff my way through. I’m not entirely honest with myself or anyone else, so why should my potential future supervisor be any different?
Swimming Upstream 