two out of three ain’t bad

I’m not doing well right now. Maybe it’s a letdown after my short vacation. It might be my medication. Possibly it’s because I hate myself. Or all three, I’m not sure.

I am trying another med for ADHD. The immediate release tablets seemed to be working well, but were short-acting. My p-doc switched me to the extended release tablets, and I’ve been taking them since Sunday, but it doesn’t feel like they’re working the same. It’s like before, when I had no concentration, hours of brain fog, fidgeting constantly, and emotionally questionable. I think I need to go back to the quick release tablets, but I will talk to the doc before I switch back.

The return of ADHD symptoms coincides with my return from vacation. I had a few hectic days visiting friends and family and lots of driving, arriving home Sunday around 5. Work the next day was difficult, but I thought it would be a one-day problem. It hasn’t improved though, and I have felt increasingly worse each day.

I get extremely frustrated when I can’t get my work done, and it feels like my personal time is similarly affected. I have so many things to do, and I just sit and think about it rather than doing something productive. So many excuses and time-wasters which keep me from accomplishing anything. I truly hate that about myself.

And now that I feel terrible about things and I’m down emotionally, I have to pretend I would be able to do a new job. Yes, I have a fucking interview for a new position with the same company. What the fuck was I thinking? It was a last-second decision to apply, and now I regret it, but I feel obligated to do the interview anyway because I asked the hiring manager about it yesterday. I can do the job, and I’m qualified, but I have zero confidence in myself at the moment. It’s hard to promote your best qualities when you don’t believe a word of it, but I’ll just bluff my way through. I’m not entirely honest with myself or anyone else, so why should my potential future supervisor be any different?

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