signs of bipolar

I had symptoms of bipolar disorder as far back as maybe 11 years old. Even at that time, I knew something was wrong with me. I definitely had depression, long periods where I would be in a crappy mood all the time and I wanted to isolate myself from people. During high school I had deep recurring depressive episodes that grew worse.

On the other hand, I realized I could anticipate when a hypomanic episode was on the way; I almost felt like I could hear it coming in the distance, and I knew it would cause me problems. I called it a “dangerous mood”, and it was during those times that I said and did stupid and hurtful things without regard for consequences or safety. I also developed a lot of obsessive thinking and rumination during that time. While that is not necessarily a symptom of bipolar, it was another facet to my struggle with undiagnosed mental illness.

My symptoms became worse as I moved into my 30s. When I was mistakenly diagnosed as having unipolar depression, I believe taking the anti-depressants made things even worse. Soon thereafter I went into the hospital, but the roller-coaster ride continues to this day.

image credit: kurumi.com

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dumped by my doc

I found out yesterday that my P-doc has moved to another city, and I have to find a new provider. It is a pain in the ass for me to find someone new, but it is no emergency. In a city this size, you would think there would be more doctors accepting new patients, but apparently not.

I don’t know how I am supposed to feel about this. I know it can be traumatic for some people with mental health problems when the need to change doctors. I’m not in a crisis mode, so I have time to wait while I can be scheduled (March, one potential new doctor said). But what if I was feeling bad, or needed someone right away? I know there are the crisis centers or the hospitals, but it’s not like having a relationship with someone who knows you.

Despite the inconvenience, I had been wondering if it was time to look for another pair of eyes to review my symptoms and get a different perspective. I guess that time has come.

the bipolar gender gap

I have noticed the bipolar blogging world seems to be populated by more women than men. I don’t really know why there seems to be many women blogging about mental health, but maybe I can guess why there are fewer men here. I think there is a greater stigma among men for mental health problems, more so than women.

I think there is a different process for men when they come to terms with having a mental illness. Based on my own experience, I think went through phases of anger, sadness, anger again, denial, suicidality, defeatism, a little more anger, and shame … but also a little bit of strength and resistance on the good days.

I wonder how many guys make the effort to reach out for help to a doctor, or a friend, or a wife/girlfriend; maybe they don’t for various reasons. My perception is that men are less likely to write journals or talk about feelings and fears in any semi-public manner (like support groups or blogging). Those men that do write about their mental health range from angry and defeated to strong and uplifting.

I think some guys are a little more in touch with the more emotional and introspective side of ourselves, and those are the men who are more likely to write about their own mental health. I don’t think that makes us less masculine in any way, even though we may experience depression in a stereotypically feminine way.

I think everyone has their unique experience with mental health issues, and it has little to do with being male or female. I realize I may be criticized for laying out several stereotypes here, but this is just my perception of the gender divide among bipolar bloggers. Let me know if I’m right or wrong or somewhere in between.

the costs of bipolar

I’ve had bipolar disorder since I was a pre-teen. It has cost me several important relationships, educational and job opportunities, and tens of thousands of dollars over the years. It has nearly cost me my life on multiple occasions. Besides the monetary cost of the medicine I take, there is the weight gain associated with the Abilify, which causes me problems such as high blood pressure, the potential for heart disease, lack of mobility, and embarrassment. It may one day cost me my intellect, if the potential for early dementia becomes a reality.

My bipolar has also inflicted a toll on the family. My wife has stayed with me despite 25 years of instability and unpredictability, and it has cost her happiness and many sleepless nights ridden with fear and anxiety. She constantly feels like she has to work harder to make more money to pay for the medical bills, so she works at a physical job and always has sometimes debilitating aches and pains.

My son and daughter grew up in a home riddled with turmoil, which in my opinion has caused them both psychological issues which remain unaddressed. My defective genes surfaced in my daughter, who had first been diagnosed with bipolar, and now schizoaffective disorder. Her illness has cost her most of her friends, dreams of a normal life, two potential career paths, and many thousands of dollars in medical bills for us to pay.

southbound

We will be headed down to North Carolina again tomorrow. The plan is to spend a few days at the beach, a few days visiting with our son Dan, and drive home next Sunday.

I don’t know if everything will go according to plan.

Nicole has been a little unstable the past week, not dangerously so, but just enough that all of us have noticed it. My prediction is that the first few days at the beach will go fine, but when we get to Raleigh she will start being first agitated, then depressed, then in tears. She will be out of her comfort zone, she will miss her cats, and not even the anime convention will make her want to stay. She will be further upset because (I also predict) that Dan will not have much time to hang out with her because he will prefer to hang out with his friends at the anime convention. I bet that we end up going home one or two days early, and everyone will be stressed out.

It is tough to plan anything due to Nicole’s illness. She sleeps at random times, she changes her mind about going places, and she resists keeping appointments with doctors. She won’t wake up when she needs to, but she gets mildly angry when she misses out on something. She chooses to not go out for dinner, but she insists we bring home food for her. It gets frustrating and stressful for Mrs. Fish and I to arrange our lives around her mental state.

Unfortunately, we are staying in a hotel near the beach instead of like last year when we rented a house on the beach. I don’t think it will be quite as enjoyable or relaxing this time, but a little beach time is better than no beach time at all.