[This poem was written in the middle of the night when things were pretty dark and I was very unstable in February this year. I don’t feel the same way now, at least not in the stark and unflinching way as when I wrote this. I always think about death, no matter how light my mood is, but I rarely have concrete plans.]
If you are feeling hopeless and suicidal, please reach out to people or to a hotline. Depression lies to you. You are worth something to someone, and you will be missed forever.
TRIGGER WARNING – suicidal thoughts, death, hopelessness
memories I’ve deleted
wisps of smoke in the wind
disappearing vapor trails
something that was but is no more
people I’ve discarded
empty shells of flesh
devoid of substance and spirit
their essence is gone
places I’ve deserted
vistas left unseen
towns without a name
the spaces left behind
delusions I’ve denied
blind faith in gods
belief in myself
things that no longer matter
nothing to forget
no one to care for
nowhere to call home
nothing to believe in
I’ll delete myself
I have had several new followers on the site recently, and I wanted to say Thank You! As I’ve said before, I write for myself and my own blog therapy. However, it makes me feel better when other people get something out of my writing, either a shared experience or empathy or just the knowledge that other people have the same problems. I appreciate when a new follower sends a meaningful comment or even just a like, because despite being a hopeless introvert, deep down I enjoy connecting with people who can understand the mess that bipolar can make of your life. So again thank you for following, and even if I don’t reply directly right away, I will say hi when I get a chance.
On the other hand, the bots, spammers, and click-bait sites that randomly like a post or follow my blog are not welcome. I’m sure you have had them also, sites like “HealthTips Now!” and “StarLinkⓇ” and “ImproveBiz4You” which apparently troll WordPress blogs and have the ability to like and follow without anyone actually reading your post. I’m sure the only reason for this is to make me click out of curiosity, driving their stats and making them advertising money, which irritates me. I wish WordPress had better control over this problem. Apparently you can install plugins to help if you pay for a domain name rather than just having a free blog name, but I can’t justify the expense.
To summarize: real people, welcome; bots, piss off.
[update: within 20 minutes of posting, I had another 2 clickbait sites follow me.]
At the moment, I’ve completely lost interest in writing in this blog. I have content, I just have no energy to put anything here. I don’t think anyone cares, and I care even less. I’m planning on taking down the archives and removing much of the content that I don’t want to identify with for various reasons.
I’m doing okay at this time, and there’s no single reason for putting the kibosh on this project. I just think there is too much of my personal life on the web right now.
<the rest of this post was sanitized for your protection!>