self-centered

My bipolar makes me self-centered, and not in a healthy way. Sometimes I obsess over my depression and anxiety and insecurities, and the inner dialog becomes all about me-me-me. In those times I really don’t care about other people and their problems.

It’s difficult when I spend so much energy managing my own health, and there is so little energy left for anything outside myself. Sometimes I feel like I have to protect my fragile psyche when events become too overwhelming, and my thoughts focus inward. It is good to take care of myself, but I’m not very empathetic unless something affects me personally.

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vulnerable

I am sinking. I feel vulnerable and fragile. It scares me that anyone could walk up to me and say something that would damage me to the core, and I seemingly have no defense at the moment. I’m afraid that I will let that vulnerability show.

I tend to isolate myself when I feel this way, like a wounded animal that hides while they regain their strength. I feel wounded, but I don’t feel like hiding will help me. It’s not like I can hide anyway, because I have to put on my mask and go to work every day.

I’m trapped between the need for income and insurance on one side, and my own unmet needs on the other. It has always been this way; reading back through 12 years of blogging reminds me that I have always had this conflict between what I need for myself and what I need to be for everyone else.

I don’t know how to solve this dilemma. I read advice that tells me I need to take little breaks and do things just for me. The reality is I want escape, and no amount of temporary respite will give me what I need. I don’t want a break. I just want to leave it all behind.

These are the type of thoughts that lead one to believe it is okay to put an end to it all. It makes the most sense logically, if you really consider it. The problem is that I don’t want to die just yet.