I have the ability to disappear in a group of people who are supposedly my “work-friends”. I have been talking to one or two people about something, then suddenly someone else appears who becomes the center of attention. They appear, and like magic, I disappear. In the past I have tried to stay in the room and appear like I was still relevant, but lately I have just given up and walked away from the conversation with my head down.

I’m not the guy that everyone likes to have around, and I rarely get invited to join the group. Nobody gives me a jovial nickname, and I’ll never be the person everyone wants to say hi to. It’s just kind of an obligation for people to greet me because I am standing there, but I get the sense they don’t care if I am there or not. Don’t worry, the feeling is mutual.

I’m never the glue that holds a circle of people together, I’m always on the fringe. Sometimes I appear to be the common link between two groups of people, like a single electron that forms a bond between two molecules. Then the bond is broken, and the molecule goes spinning off without me. Does that make me a free radical, or just pathetic? It makes me not want to try to be part of the group next time, therefore I isolate myself further.

I want to make more friends, but two things prevent me. One is the social anxiety that makes me fear being around people; being forced to interact with others drains me and sucks all the energy from my soul. The second, closely related factor is a deep lack of self-esteem that makes me feel inferior and inadequate in nearly every situation. I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to give another person, so why would they want to be friends with me?

If I just had bipolar disorder, but had an otherwise normal personality, I would be fine. I would trade everything to have a different personality, but as a wise philosopher once said, “I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam.”



I am sinking. I feel vulnerable and fragile. It scares me that anyone could walk up to me and say something that would damage me to the core, and I seemingly have no defense at the moment. I’m afraid that I will let that vulnerability show.

I tend to isolate myself when I feel this way, like a wounded animal that hides while they regain their strength. I feel wounded, but I don’t feel like hiding will help me. It’s not like I can hide anyway, because I have to put on my mask and go to work every day.

I’m trapped between the need for income and insurance on one side, and my own unmet needs on the other. It has always been this way; reading back through 12 years of blogging reminds me that I have always had this conflict between what I need for myself and what I need to be for everyone else.

I don’t know how to solve this dilemma. I read advice that tells me I need to take little breaks and do things just for me. The reality is I want escape, and no amount of temporary respite will give me what I need. I don’t want a break. I just want to leave it all behind.

These are the type of thoughts that lead one to believe it is okay to put an end to it all. It makes the most sense logically, if you really consider it. The problem is that I don’t want to die just yet.