manic word dump

I wrote this in about two minutes last week when I wasn’t sleeping. I think this stream-of-consciousness rant sums up what was going on in my brain at the time. Thankfully, I’m feeling more calm now, and I’ve been sleeping all night for past three nights.

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I might be a little manic I don’t know why well maybe I do it’s because of fucking chemistry my brain is a mess I’m not wired right I listen to my doc I take my meds like a good patient but they make me even worse depression sucks but being manic sucks a little harder and not in a good way billy joel said too high or too low there ain’t no in between and that’s how I’m feeling this month get on the roller coaster riding the colossus spinning off to every extreme I was in this state once and tore apart all my computers just for fun now I am up all night reading blogs and doing word searches and disturbing the cats who wonder why the fuck I’m up every night one moment I’m asleep and then my eyelids open and my train of thought is like the japanese bullet train the shinkansen I think and there’s no going back to sleep now and it’s fucking exhausting so I have to wait for the offending drug to clear my system and then we’ll see if I get depressed again it’s the great circle of bipolar and what comes around goes around the block and down the freeway and out of town until one of these days when I crash

latuda update

I started taking Latuda at the end of November, then increased the dose in late December. At 40 mg, you just say “Latuda”. At 80 mg. when you’re manic and haven’t slept through the night in two weeks, you say “LA-TUUUUUUUU-DA!”

I talked to the psychiatrist yesterday. He couldn’t keep my appointment because he was sick, but he called me to discuss the medication. I told him of my manic symptoms, and he said it was a side effect of the medication. Yeah, I guess so. He suggested I drop back to the lower dose for a couple of weeks and call him back to see how it goes.

I didn’t tell him that I dropped down to the lower dose about five days ago, and I’m still having side effects, so I plan on dropping the dosage to zero in about 3 or 4 days. I can feel how the medication is still causing me problems. I have the choice what to do, and it just doesn’t feel right.

Basically for about 3 weeks now I have had elevated mood, racing brain activity, a lack of sleep, and increased blood pressure. I told the Dr. C that in addition to those side effects I was “twitchy”, meaning I couldn’t stop fidgeting and blinking my eyes and tapping my fingers (things that happen without Latuda but which were made much worse with it). He said that sounded like akathisia, and he hoped it would go away with the lower dosage. I don’t think it will stop until the drug is completely out of my system, because the twitchiness hasn’t slowed down at half dose.

And here I am in the middle of the night again. I slept five hours yesterday and three so far tonight, when normally I need eight or more hours. Good times.

downslope

I think I’m on the downslope of the recent manic episode, and I’m hoping it has a soft landing this time. I’m getting fatigued and sleepy again, all day every day. I don’t have much interest in doing anything but sleeping and eating, which isn’t good. The weather and the virus are conspiring to keep me at home. My back has been really bothering me this week, so I don’t want to do anything physical. I could do something useful at home, but what’s the point? Ugh.

I need something to keep my interest in the evenings. My wife comes home from work worn out, and after dinner she just wants to zone out on her phone or by watching stuff on the web. I know I’m not that interesting, but even she finds me boring now. If she would talk to me, maybe I wouldn’t sit in my chair and drift off to sleep every night.

My mother sent me a late birthday present: a box full of old maps. I was still a little manic at the moment, and I thought “cool, all these maps I can look at!” But just two days later, I’m thinking I got a box of junk she wanted to get rid of, that I have no real interest in, and I will just throw them away someday. Maybe that’s a metaphor for my life: fascinating at first, just a curiosity a short time later, and eventually useless and disposable.

I don’t know. Life seemed much more interesting and exciting this past week, and now it seems like such a chore. I feel like the only purpose for the day is making it to bedtime so I can sleep. Then I get up the next day and can’t wait for the day to be over so I can sleep again. Sitting around all day on the weekend seems so useless. At least working gives me a purpose (and income and insurance), even if I don’t enjoy it. I feel overwhelmed at work, at home, in the real world, and in my brain.

Maybe I need to be manic more often. You don’t overthink things, you don’t sleep a lot, and you just go-go-go. That’s how I got through college, after all.

where there’s smoke, there’s pizza

I think I’m coming down from the recent manic episode. Monday I got my first good night of sleep in several days. My tension headaches are still there, my anxiety is still elevated, and I’m still twitchy, but sleep has returned.

So why am I up at 2:30 writing blog posts, you might ask? My daughter decided to bake a frozen pizza just after midnight. Apparently there was something that had dripped in the oven, so when she turned it on the “something” started to burn. She opened the oven door to put the pizza in, the smoke came pouring out, and the smoke alarm went off.

In the meantime, I was just waking up from a dream in which Tony Danza was showing off some exceptional drumming skills while on the set of a tv show. His character carried a pair of drum sticks in his back pocket, apparently for drumming-related emergencies. As he was finishing another paradiddle on a kitchen countertop, I woke up to the sound of the smoke alarm.

I hit the snooze on the alarm clock first, and when that didn’t work I realized what it was. Awake in a heartbeat, I jumped up, put on pants, and went rushing out the door while shouting at my wife “SMOKE ALARM”. I got downstairs and found my daughter standing in the kitchen with a chagrined look on her face. I pushed the button on the smoke alarm and went back to my still-sleeping wife and told her it was under control. “Mmmph,” she responded, as she settled into the covers.

Of course I’m wide-awake at this point, and so of course I turn on the computer and start reading to calm down. Two hours later, I’m still awake. I will try to take a nap in my easy chair before the night is over.

manic wanna-be architect

I’ll preface this by saying I might be having a little manic episode, but it’s nothing to worry about, right? I’m not out of control or in any danger, I’m just riding the wave for a while. I’m mildly amused at my condition right now, but I hope I don’t have a crash in the next few days.

I haven’t slept a lot during the night for the past several days, yet I have fallen asleep at random times during the day and evening. My anxiety has been high due to work issues and problems with my daughter. I’ve had tension headaches which turned into a migraine on Thursday. I’m writing a lot, and trying to keep from posting it all. I went looking for a difficult word search, and ended up downloading and printing 40 different ones I need to stay off Fakebook and stay away from Amazon … or the car dealership.

Yesterday I got up at 7:30 on an off day, I was awake all day, and I went to bed at my typical 9:00 to 9:30. Then I woke up from dreaming at about 1:00 and couldn’t get back to sleep. It was not a weird dream, but I remembered it very clearly when I woke up. I was in a different house, and I was designing it in my dream, arranging rooms and hallways.

I was laying there, completely awake, and I decided to get up and capture my dream house on paper. So I got up, got my graph paper, a scale, and my mechanical pencil (because geeks have those items handy in the middle of the night), and started drawing my house.

My daughter (whose sleep schedule is often backwards) comes upstairs and asks why I’m up, so I explain to her. Then we talked for a while, but the whole time I’m thinking about my house. Finally she went back to bed, and I started drawing again.

I realize I’ve lost track of time when my wife gets up at 5:30. I explain to her that I might be a little manic, and I spent most of the night designing a house. She said, “That’s not bad. At least there aren’t computer parts all over.” [That’s another story to tell someday.]

Here is the final sketch I came up with during the night:

I didn’t finish obviously. I still need to do a lot of details, and I might put it in Autocad today and work on it this week. Or I might do it online in Sketchup, since I don’t have architecture blocks for my Autocad installation. In fact, I have no architectural anything, because I don’t know how to design houses. I’ll post something when it is done.

ice and granite

Now for some photos, this time on the way home from Las Vegas to Hippietown through Yosemite National Park. I have had the thrill of flying over the park a couple of times, and it is just as amazing from the air as it is on the ground. I didn’t get to spend as much time as I wanted exploring Yosemite, but there are still great memories from the small area I did visit. I probably will never make it there again, but who knows?

Tioga Lake:

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Mount Dana:

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Tenaya Lake:

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from Olmstead Point (I think):

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All photos mine, May 2004.

death valley

I drove through Death Valley National Park during my Eastern Sierras/Vegas trip in May 2004. Of course I was on a manic high during this whole trip. I won about $250 at the casino at 1am, couldn’t get to sleep, and decided it would be a good idea to go out again at 3am, then head for home.

I was driving through the desert at dawn, and falling asleep at 65 mph. I was listening to Pink Floyd, and in the beginning of “Time” when the alarm rings, it startled me so badly I jerked the wheel, and almost ran off the road into the sagebrush. Now I was wide awake. I got to Death Valley at about 7am, and it was already 85 degrees.

These pictures are at Zabriskie Point. I suppose they are the same pictures everyone else takes from the same spot, but I enjoy them just the same.

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Plus a Joshua tree:

joshua tree