that was unexpected

Every so often, something happens when I am least ready for it, and it unleashes a torrent of negativity and self-loathing that is usually restrained. I think that’s what happened the other night when a backlog of frustration and mental fatigue burst forth all at once.

Negative things seem to affect me more than “normal” people, and this is one of those instances. Some people would simply solve the problem, where I turn it into a metaphor equating one event with all the negative feelings I have about myself. I don’t react well when events happen that I’m not prepared for. I turn temporary setbacks into catastrophes.

I am truly worn down by a lot of things. I am very dissatisfied with life right now for many reasons. At the same time, my life is not all bad. I need to remember to even out my emotions when I am capable; try not to get too high or too low when events affect my mood.

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underwater

I’m not doing well. This is the first real depression episode I’ve had while on the new drug. I don’t think this is a chemical depression; it is more emotional in nature. There is a deep, pervasive hopelessness right now, and nothing is able to rescue me for more than a fleeting moment.

There seems to be no break from the negativity. I might socialize with people at work, but it’s all fake. Music may calm me temporarily, but I know after the last note I will be depressed again. Food might please me briefly, but I know every bite is bad for me.

[Insert 400 words of self-wallowing drivel here. I don’t want to write it, and you don’t want to read it.]

positively negative thoughts

When I start feeling too positive about myself, I look for something negative to relieve the pressure. For example, this time I thought about multiple teenage social encounters with girls who didn’t have the slightest interest in me.

There was the girl I took to the company Christmas party because I worked with her older sister, but I was told later she found me boring. There was the “wingman” incident where my friend and his girlfriend got it on in her house, and I was left for an awkward hour with her disinterested friend. Then there was the time I was trying to talk to a girl in class, while she was trying to set up a “sleepover” with another person in class.

Remembering good times. I fucking love my brain.