that was unexpected

Every so often, something happens when I am least ready for it, and it unleashes a torrent of negativity and self-loathing that is usually restrained. I think that’s what happened the other night when a backlog of frustration and mental fatigue burst forth all at once.

Negative things seem to affect me more than “normal” people, and this is one of those instances. Some people would simply solve the problem, where I turn it into a metaphor equating one event with all the negative feelings I have about myself. I don’t react well when events happen that I’m not prepared for. I turn temporary setbacks into catastrophes.

I am truly worn down by a lot of things. I am very dissatisfied with life right now for many reasons. At the same time, my life is not all bad. I need to remember to even out my emotions when I am capable; try not to get too high or too low when events affect my mood.

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midnight malcontent

I’m tired of being a disappointment to everyone. People would be better off if they had never met me.

I’m tired of having a mediocre existence, always accepting my fate and going through life wishing I had made different choices.

I’m tired of worrying about things I can’t control, and being too inept to do something about the things I can control.

I’m tired of being anxious and paranoid all the time. I don’t want to be in a cage, on display to be an object of ridicule or disgust.

I’m tired of working to make profits for other people who don’t understand me and don’t care about what I am struggling with.

I’m tired of feeling impotent, physically and mentally, unable to reach whatever meaningless goals I might have had.

I’m tired of having other people rely on me for anything, forcing me to take care of their needs and ignore my own.

I’m tired of being trapped in a life I don’t want to live, and having to search for reasons to stay alive while constantly undermining my health.

I’m just tired.

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Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, not today at least. Maybe some other day when I grow a pair.

out of touch

I have been so busy in the past couple of months that I haven’t had time to think. Maybe that is a good thing, but I feel like I’m out of touch with myself. I’m not taking my emotional temperature, thinking deep thoughts, or working on feeling better. I’m not doing anything to improve my state of being. I’m just standing in place, waiting for the next storm to come through and buffet me with fear and self-loathing.

I don’t like my house anymore, but there’s nothing wrong with it. I don’t like my conservative friends or family, but they aren’t bad people. I don’t like my job, but it’s the best one I’ve had. There comes a point where I start hating everything and everyone and I start making changes just for the sake of changing things. I move to a new place, change houses, change cars, change jobs, change clothes, discard some people and meet others. When the dust settles, I realize I’ve changed nothing, because the one constant in my life is me.

I feel so damaged and defective right now. I am unable to solve my problems, or even some of them, and therapy isn’t helping. I can’t solve other people’s problems either, even though I keep trying. There is no one here who can cast a spell to keep the dementors away.

Ugh. Excuse me while I wallow for a while.

quiet moments

What do you think about in those quiet moments you have to yourself? Just before you fall asleep, or waiting for someone to arrive, or drinking a morning cup of coffee?

For me? Lots of things: regrets, guilt, shame, bitterness, pessimism, and self-loathing. Sometimes people I used to love, or hate. Sometimes, if I’m feeling good, I think of places I’ve traveled or sights I’ve seen.

Mostly regrets, though – stupid things I’ve done, people I’ve hurt, choices I’ve made, and missed opportunities.

I’m pretty well broken emotionally, but for some reason I have this stubborn streak that keeps me from giving in. The melodrama of suffering in silence, but telling everyone here about it.

As if anyone cares. Save the drama for your llama.