instability

I’m used to my brain throwing curveballs now and then, but since the most recent manic episode something seems to have permanently changed for the worse. I’ve lost whatever stability I had in the previous year, and it has been replaced by rapidly changing highs and lows.

Since quitting the Latuda, I have had significant OCD and anxiety problems (see this previous post). I started taking Klonopin a week ago, just a small dosage, and I don’t think it has helped very much. Most days I have been edgy and frazzled, like I am just barely in control of things.

I have slept okay some nights, then not so much on other nights. There have been a couple of days where I was so tired I was falling asleep at my desk (one benefit of working from home). I had to nap during my lunchtime to feel better. Then I wasn’t tired at bedtime, and I had to self-medicate with a little whiskey to fall asleep.

On two days this past week I have been so wound up at the end of the day that I have to get out of the house. I ended up driving about 2+ hours both times. Friday night I just had to get on the freeway and go fast; yesterday I wandered aimlessly through Amish country before finding a freeway and coming home.

Another thing wrong with my brain is my reaction to caffeine. Apparently I can only drink decaf coffee, because when I have regular coffee the tics and shakes increase within an hour. Soda seems to have a lesser effect, but I still feel it. It fucking sucks because I love coffee, and decaf usually tastes bad.

I’m glad I am dealing with this now and not at an office full of people (another benefit of working from home). I don’t have to hide my daily roller-coaster from everyone and pretend to be “fine”, whatever the fuck that is. My wife knows I am abby-normal right now, and she’s concerned, but is mostly just trying to stay out of my way. I have been telling her I’m not in any danger, which is true.

I don’t want to admit it, but maybe I should go back to the meds I was taking six months ago and see what happens. I was stable, I was sleeping, and I felt like I was mostly in control. However, I was depressed most of the time, so that wasn’t good. Now, I’m just feeling exhausted and hyperactive at the same time.

Sorry if this is rambling; I’m just spewing this out and not editing at all. Just like my thoughts right now. It’s bedtime, so I’ll see if I can get some sleep. Bye for now.

overload

Once again, it’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. When I wake up it is from a dream, from my wife coming to bed late, or from my CPAP mask not fitting properly. Sometimes I can adjust and go back to sleep, but not this past week. My brain is instantly wide awake. I give it 30 minutes to try to go back to sleep, but if I don’t succeed, I get up.

During that 30 minutes tonight, my brain was on fire. I had fragments of up to 10 songs playing in my head. I started thinking of three or four blog posts I wanted to write. I remembered I need to call my doctor. I was thinking about medication side effects. I remembered an abusive voice from the past. I was still irritated about an unfinished word search puzzle. I was thinking about what snacks were in the kitchen. I can’t tell you any of the other 40 things on my mind, because they came and went so quickly that I barely had time to process them.

So I’ve been up for almost two hours now, snacking, listening to the music in my brain, and feverishly writing all my ideas before I forget them all.

I don’t know if this is mania or attention deficit disorder (a topic for another post), but it isn’t good for my sleeping schedule. I’ll stay awake until my brain slows down a little, then probably just sleep in my chair again until morning.

where there’s smoke, there’s pizza

I think I’m coming down from the recent manic episode. Monday I got my first good night of sleep in several days. My tension headaches are still there, my anxiety is still elevated, and I’m still twitchy, but sleep has returned.

So why am I up at 2:30 writing blog posts, you might ask? My daughter decided to bake a frozen pizza just after midnight. Apparently there was something that had dripped in the oven, so when she turned it on the “something” started to burn. She opened the oven door to put the pizza in, the smoke came pouring out, and the smoke alarm went off.

In the meantime, I was just waking up from a dream in which Tony Danza was showing off some exceptional drumming skills while on the set of a tv show. His character carried a pair of drum sticks in his back pocket, apparently for drumming-related emergencies. As he was finishing another paradiddle on a kitchen countertop, I woke up to the sound of the smoke alarm.

I hit the snooze on the alarm clock first, and when that didn’t work I realized what it was. Awake in a heartbeat, I jumped up, put on pants, and went rushing out the door while shouting at my wife “SMOKE ALARM”. I got downstairs and found my daughter standing in the kitchen with a chagrined look on her face. I pushed the button on the smoke alarm and went back to my still-sleeping wife and told her it was under control. “Mmmph,” she responded, as she settled into the covers.

Of course I’m wide-awake at this point, and so of course I turn on the computer and start reading to calm down. Two hours later, I’m still awake. I will try to take a nap in my easy chair before the night is over.