mindfulness update: end of the road

My most recent therapy appointment was online because his child had Covid. I suppose that gave me a small advantage as I prepared to tell him how I felt about the mindfulness exercises he had recommended.

Let me backtrack: at the previous appointment, we went through a mindfulness exercise where I was supposed to simply listen to all the sounds around me, not trying to process them but just listening. I listened, but my active brain was spinning in the background; I was processing the sounds, as well as thinking about how I was getting distracted, trying to refocus, and continually wondering if I needed to stop seeing the therapist. For the second exercise, he went to the office’s kitchen, and while I thought he was rummaging through everyone’s lunches, he returned with a protein bar. The exercise was to fully taste and smell the protein bar, feel it in your mouth, and be fully aware of the process of eating it. I did what he asked, but my active brain was thinking the entire time that this was stupid and unhelpful (although the protein bar was very tasty).

Back to this week: As he greeted me and asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about, I looked at the notes on my scratch paper and started into a somewhat-prepared monologue. I said I didn’t think mindfulness exercises were helpful for me because I was stressing so much over doing them “correctly” that I couldn’t do them at all. I can’t shut my brain off for more than a minute or two unless I’m in the right place and time. I let him know I didn’t want to fail therapy for the fourth time, but I felt that some other kind of therapeutic exercises might be more helpful.

I told him that under the right circumstances, I can naturally achieve some kind of mindfulness practice when I am writing creatively, listening to familiar music I enjoy, hiking or being out in nature, or when driving and exploring new places. Sometimes it may only last for a short time, but for a while I can let everything else go and concentrate in the present moment. I also said that writing has been more productive for me than any other kind of therapy, and that it has successfully allowed me to deal with a lot of anger, sadness, and negativity more effectively than with the efforts of any therapist.

I think he was a little surprised, but he took it in stride. He said that we don’t need to do the exercises if I felt like they weren’t doing me any good. He agreed that writing can be therapeutic, and he thought for me writing became a sort of self-directed trauma therapy. We discussed how writing allowed me to take the past fears and memories in the dark corners of my brain, examine them carefully and objectively, and help them lose their power over my current emotions.

Anyway, it was a good appointment, and next time we will be talking about my social anxiety and what triggers it.

overload

Once again, it’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep. When I wake up it is from a dream, from my wife coming to bed late, or from my CPAP mask not fitting properly. Sometimes I can adjust and go back to sleep, but not this past week. My brain is instantly wide awake. I give it 30 minutes to try to go back to sleep, but if I don’t succeed, I get up.

During that 30 minutes tonight, my brain was on fire. I had fragments of up to 10 songs playing in my head. I started thinking of three or four blog posts I wanted to write. I remembered I need to call my doctor. I was thinking about medication side effects. I remembered an abusive voice from the past. I was still irritated about an unfinished word search puzzle. I was thinking about what snacks were in the kitchen. I can’t tell you any of the other 40 things on my mind, because they came and went so quickly that I barely had time to process them.

So I’ve been up for almost two hours now, snacking, listening to the music in my brain, and feverishly writing all my ideas before I forget them all.

I don’t know if this is mania or attention deficit disorder (a topic for another post), but it isn’t good for my sleeping schedule. I’ll stay awake until my brain slows down a little, then probably just sleep in my chair again until morning.

the kibosh

At the moment, I’ve completely lost interest in writing in this blog. I have content, I just have no energy to put anything here. I don’t think anyone cares, and I care even less. I’m planning on taking down the archives and removing much of the content that I don’t want to identify with for various reasons.

I’m doing okay at this time, and there’s no single reason for putting the kibosh on this project. I just think there is too much of my personal life on the web right now.

<the rest of this post was sanitized for your protection!>